Interlude: Knowledgius in Never-Never-Land

by Hans M Dykstra


From: hdykstra@twain.ucs.umass.edu (Hans M Dykstra)
Subject: Interlude: Knowledgius in Never-Never-Land
Date: 31 Mar 1994 21:44:35 -0500
Message-ID: <2ng1qjINNlva@twain.ucs.umass.edu>
Knowledgius in Never-Never-Land

[The scene: The nebulous Halfway House for Things Conceived Of But Not Existing. In the hallway, Moses is playing chinese checkers with Spinoza's God. Out on the grounds, a half dozen disconsolate demons half-heartedly cast curses upon one another. Some faceless horror sits gibbering in the corner, but the white-coated attendants pay no attention. All is quiet.]

[The gate opens, and out of the featureless gray mists, an ambulance materializes, completely with sirens and flashing lights. Two of the demons hurriedly rush off and leap through the gates, eagerly consigning themselves to the oblivion of complete non-existence, rather than subject themselves to more of this Hell. The white-coated attendants pay no attention.]

[The ambulance pulls up to the front entrance, and two orderlies escort a strait-jacketed figure out of the van. It is that Evil Fiend, the Vile Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus.]

Knowledgius:  [struggling to free him/her/itself from the iron grasp of the orderlies] This is all a mistake! I don't belong here. I am, I tell you, I am!

[Knowledgius breaks off as he notices, sitting on the front step, an odd fellow dressed in a red lizard suit.]

Lizard Man:  
>      I myself wonder if I'm 'real'.
Knowledgius:  You!! This is your fault!! I'll turn you inside out, you leprous little lizard!! Where's your rodent friend? I'll save him for a late night snack, I will!

[The white-coated orderlies pay no attention to his/her/its ranting. With difficulty, they lead him/her/it up the steps into the house. The befuddled guy in the lizard suit follows them, apparently without purpose.]

Lizard Man:  
>                                  More and more I'm
>      beginning to think I'm the 'Flying Dutchman'
>      conmdemned to eternally sail the Seas of Internet,
[The little procession enters the main foyer, with the Vile Corrupter of Innocents straining to get at the lizard-suited man -- indeed, he's frothing at the mouth a little. The lizard man seems completely clued out.]

Lizard Man:  
>      never 'making port' - as punishment for uttering
>      the unforgivable heresy - asserting that Atheism
>      is a Religion whose 'God' is the composite of the
>      workings of the Laws of Physics and Chemistry.
Knowledgius:  You think you're so special but you haven't heard the last of me, you scaly cretin! And I mean that in every sense of the word. Cretin, that is.

Desk Nurse:  [takes a bored glance, sizes up Knowledgius briefly] 200 mg thorazine, and daily shock therapy. Put him in room 2. [She makes a couple of notations on her clipboard, then remembers where she is and dumps it in the trash.]

[The Man in the Red Latex Suit shuffles off into the sun room, where William Tell and Wotan are arguing over the television. One seems to want to watch The Lone Ranger, while the other argues for a videotape of Wagner's Das Rheingold.]

Orderly:  [produces a wicked looking hypodermic] Awright you, hold still. This won't hurt a bit. Haw haw...

Knowledgius:  This is a violation of my rights!! Call Amnesty International, call 60 Minutes, call my lawyer...if I ever get my hands on those two, I'll, I'll...I'm sending out my psychic call, my friends will get me out of here...

[A strange looking individual with big shoes and a polka-dot smock comes running through the foyer.]

Zippy:  Yow! My socks are in Tuscaloosa...I'm sharing a donut with Phil Silvers...If Speed Queen married Burger King, what would they name their children?

[A white-coated attendant pays attention. He resignedly pulls a box of Twinkies and taco sauce out of a desk drawer and follows Zippy, exit stage right.]

[The orderlies take Knowledgius down a hall, the second door on the left, and unceremoniusly dump him/her/it in a padded cell. The door closes and Knowledgius is left curled up on the floor, mumbling to him/her/itself.]

Knowledgius:  I am the Vile Atheist God. A God is that which is greater than any conceivable thing. A thing which exists is greater than a thing which doesn't exist. I am the Vile Atheist God. A God is that which is greater than any conceivable thing. A thing which exists...

[As Knowledgius repeats this mantra over and over again, his/her/its form gradually fades away until the cell is left empty.]

The Cruel Corrupter, that Vile Atheist God, has escaped his confinement in the halfway house, and even now may be at large in Reality. What contemptible scheme will he hatch for his revenge? Where will he strike next? And was that man in the lizard suit really Publius?

APB:  All citizens of Reality are urged to be on the lookout for Knowledgius Objectivus, aka Vile Atheist God, of unspecified race, gender, and age, believed to be on the loose somewhere in or around Reality. Knowledgius is presumed to be dangerous. If you see this god, do not, repeat do not, attempt to apprehend him/her/it. Notify authorities and properly trained personnel will respond. In the meantime, lock your doors, shut your ears, and close your minds, purely as a precautionary measure, of course. Above all, do not respond to his posts. 
***
hmd
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