The Surrealist Philosophy Exam

Instructions: For multiple choice questions, read all the alternatives and choose the BEST answer. For questions of mystical ecstasy, provide as much detail as you are sure of and be sure you answer with whatever comes to mind. Each multiple choice question (including bonus questions) is worth a damp plum, each matching question is worth a match, each true-false question is false, and each short-answer question is worth a nun carrying a shotgun, plus you get one free infinitesimal point, for a total of 250 points (excluding bonus questions). If you are not clear of what is being asked of you in a question, vomit. All exams are closed book/closed note. Be sure to keep your answers on the paper.


Short Answer Questions:

1. How is it that taking a knife to bisect a peach so frequently resembles the distribution of butter, when this seems so unlikely a priori?

2. If, during a dream, you heard a knock at the door, and opened it to find Louisa May Alcott, would you invite her in or close the door? And why?

3. Death: Male or Female?

4. If you should find Greek fire in the drawer, what then does the otter think?

1. belief a. An idea going bald.
2. a dog b. Something that is not a hammock.
3. death c. The horizontal prolongation of a factitious dream.
4. aquarium d. Humid square of requiems.
5. xiphoidify e. A replenishment of Xenophon.
6. sea e. The night asleep in the daytime.
6. revolving doors e. Built at the request of the owner of the Cafe Anglais who, to honour Evans on his return from Crete, reduced the labyrinth to its simplest expression.
6. literature e. One of the saddest roads that leads to anything.
6. bordello e. Small cradle on casters used by the Bordelais - She put her daughter in a bordello.
6. reason e. A cloud eaten by the moon.


1. Serendipity is a man's hat.

2. Life is a telephone in a dish with three grilled sardines at the end of September.

3. If octopi wore bracelets, ships would be towed by flies.

4. Caraco is a lovely bitch: lazy as a dormouse and gloved in glass so as not to have to do a thing, she strings pearls to pay the piper.

5. The exquisite corpse shall drink the new wine.

6. Forever is hot.

6. If tears were made of sand, then water would rain back into the sky.

6. Lust is like a revolver in the hand of a cadaver dancing on a beam of blue light.

6. The sublime Czech lacked the transitivity of a buttered kilt.

6. Never underestimate a handsome camel.

6. He who asks not asks twice.


Multiple Choice

1. Insulting a pastor
a. frames the mind
b. tables the motion
c. brings good luck

2. If there were no guillotine,
a. wasps would remove their corsets
b. the average atmospherocephalic bureaucrat would milk a cranial harp
c. a ghost could be used as a table

3. A horde of rats is as good as
a. breaking two stones with an egret
b. a spoiled child
c. a length of time

4. One should be as faithful as
a. a filleted cat
b. a juggler who spits
c. an extracted tooth

5. Cold meat
a. lights no fire
b. is the toast of the urbane
c. is as chic as a lathered goat

6. The paranoid crab
a. leaps at the sound of Wagner
b. tends the leaves of summer
c. is a paranoid crab all the same

6. A trained elf wearing a monocle
a. grasps the eye by the root
b. has no egg
c. stains the clock

7. When all cats are robots from Mars,
a. the dishes will sing
b. Oswald will be inspired to write a paragraph
c. no one will remove the extra blank lines

8. Mazes
a. aren't made for dogs
b. spill the beans
c. shall die upon the rack

9. One albino
a. doesn't make a summer
b. crowds words without meaning
c. enables the queen to sing

6. He who stirs himself
a. twists in the wind
b. inhales nothingness
c. reaps the batter

7. What an angler lacks
a. a bass lacks also
b. turns heads
c. aches the spines of terminology

8. If Jell-O had bones,
a. a tulip would be President
b. a nickel wouldn't be worth a dime
c. coffee would have teeth

6. If you ate a mouse without corn,
a. the sequel would be postponed indefinitely
b. no couch would broach the issue
c. no housewife would open a can

7. No soda with lemon
a. has forgotten the fifth paragraph of 'Paradise Lost'
b. asked why the falling salt is a handkerchief
c. stands at the parapet of reason

8. To ascend the diplodocus,
a. meet Bert Convy in a drug store
b. wear a perfumed sow
c. lather, rinse and repeat

6. The troubled truffle
a. tends to Yoda in its dreams
b. is the true measure of a man
c. tends the twilight of color
d. gazes into the abyss or the morass, but not both


Inspiration derived from A Book of Surrealist Games (Boston & London: Shambhala, 1995) and the Microsoft Word User's Guide (Washington: Microsoft Corporation, 1993-1994).


The Salvador Dali Online Exhibit


Dr. Keith Korcz