Red Iguana Dawn

Episode 11: Born-Again 'FAQ' - Question Three

From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 11: BORN-AGAIN "FAQ'- QUESTION THREE
Date: 14 Mar 1994 20:13:47 GMT
Message-ID: <2m2ghrINN6aa@CS.UTK.EDU>

[Our Valiant Champions of "Calling It Like They Think It Ought To Be and Not Like It Is," that Victor of Proper Thought, the Wearer of the Red Iguana Suit, the Mighty and Pithy Publius and his Faithful Sidekick Ferret Boy are on the island of Logis, home of the Scrofulous Atheist Base of Operations. They have been joined by Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God, who appears to have been converted from Autonomous Man to Proper Thinker. As we join Our Heroes, they are hiding behind a stack of oil drums, watching the Vile Atheist Scum go about their business...]

[Several Atheists, including Annette, Xian, and Dan have gathered around a large, green device of dubious provenence. Stacy Prowell, Arch-Atheist and Villian Extraordianire, Scoffer at Life-Oriented Religions and Thinker of That Which Is Not To Be Thought is describing the vile contraption's utility to the Atheist Reformation Force (ARF)...]

Stacy: ...should put an end to the Vector of Society.

Annette: But what is it?

Dan: Yeah, why are we just standing around out here? I have to work on the Storming the Pearly Gates plan, and I haven't got time for this!

Stacy: You're standing around out here because I am writing this thing, got it?

All: Uh, okay.

Ferret Boy: [Quitely to Publius] Storming the Pearly Gates? Do these Atheists hold nothing sacred?

Knowledgius: Nothing but the Unshakable Faith in Reality As It Is. How Foolish. Soon the Double- Domed Gurus of Atheism will Learn their Lesson from the Face on Mars.

Ferret Boy: Why do you keep mentioning the Face on Mars?

Stacy: This device is none other than the Hideous Encheferizer, designed by those Fine Chaps on alt.sweedish.chef.bork.bork.bork. It has the power to reduce the Pig Farmers, Creationist Morons, and Religious Idiots to babbling fools!

Annette: Uh, I thought they already were?

Stacy: Hey, I'm trying to have a sinister plan moment here! If anybody else has a sinister plan they think is better, speak up now!

Dan: Uh, I have the Stormin --

Stacy: Except Dan. Anybody?

All: [Silence]

Stacy: Good. Now let's go inside and chant some more.

[The atheists all enter a nearby building, leaving the Monstrous Encheferizer unguarded.]

Ferret Boy: Now's our chance! Let's go wreck that Damnable Gadget before it can be put to use!

[The three emerge from behind the oil drums and surround the green Encheferizer.]

Ferret Boy: I wonder what this thing does... [Examines the hellishly-complicated control panel]

In article <2kt5b6$k4t@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
|>       * 'FAQ' - QUESTIONS THAT OUGHT TO BE ASKED - QUESTION THREE *
|>

Ferret Boy: Publius, keep it down! The Vile Enemy will hear you!

|>    QUESTION: "What are the Immutable Principles of Morality
|>               inherent in the Atheist Religion?"

Ferret Boy: Shh! We've got to wreck this thing... [Kicks the Encheferizer, which then emits a bolt of bright blue energy striking... Publius!]

[Ferret Boy runs to Publius's side.]

Ferret Boy: Oh, no! Publius, O Great Red Lizard of Truth! Talk to me! Are you alright?

|>      ENSVER:  Zee shurt unsver is: Nune-a.

Ferret Boy: No! He's talking in Mock Sweedish!

|>    -  Ezeeeest Zeeulugeeuns
|>    ere-a ununeemuoos in esserteeng thet Mureleety und Itheecs

Knowledgius: Itheecs?

Ferret Boy: Ethics, I think...

|>    ere-a trunseetury
|>    Hoomun infenshuns - veethuoot 'Ebufe-a-Mun' ruuts - cuntreefed by zee
|>    coorrent Rooleeng Pooers tu keep zee Messes in Leene-a.  Bork Bork Bork!

[Several Atheists emerge from the building...]

Stacy: Hey, what's all that racket? Intruders! Guards!

[More Atheists run toward Our Three Heroes. Soon they are surrounded... and taken prisoner!]

|>    -  Es pruuff
|>    thet zee Ezeeeests trooly beleeefe-a thees, und precteece-a vhet zeey
|>    preech, ve-a cun ceete-a zee Ezeeeest eppruech tu Suceeel Oorguneezeshun
|>    in zee furmer Sufeeet Uneeun.

Dan: What happenned to this guy?

Stacy: Har! He's been encheferized!

Annette: That's what that gizmo does? Is that all?

Ferret Boy: Sinister Fiend! Isn't it enough?

|>    Hoo thees veell pley oooot in zeeur noo
|>    bese-a - zee USA - is joost becumeeng ifeedent.     POoBLIOoS, it el.
|>    Bork Bork Bork!
|>    .
|>    Bork Bork Bork!

Stacy: Come on, let's take them inside. [Turning to Our Heroes] Soon you will know the Power of my Latest Invention to Push the Plot Along, the Free Thought Enforcer! We'll strap you in and force you to think Free Thoughts!

Ferret Boy: NO!

Knowledgius: We know free thought doesn't exist because it's a logical fallacy. Since all atheists are liberals, free thought is a tool of the liberals and therefore it is pro-abortion and anti-life. Since life exists, anti-life does not. Therefore Free Thought cannot exist. QED.

Dan: Who's this, who is so wise in the ways of logic?

Ferret Boy: It's Knowledgius Objectivus, your Atheist God, but he's SEEN THE LIGHT and been Reformed! So, you admit to seeing the logic of his careful argumentation, eh?

Dan: I was being sarcastic. He's an idiot.

[Is this the end of our Heroes? And what has brought Knowledgius around to the side of Good? Tune in next time and find out!]

-- 
-- _Stacy Prowell_______sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
  |                                            |
  | The mysterious UNIX paradigm:              |
  |                                            |
  |   "No design is better than a bad design." |
  |                             - Ken Thompson |
  |____________________________________________|

Red Iguana Dawn Prev Next