Red Iguana Dawn
Episode 25: Born-Again 'FAQ' - Question Seven (concluded)
From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 25: BORN-AGAIN 'FAQ'- QUESTION SEVEN
Date: 30 Mar 1994 15:14:28 GMT
Message-ID: <2nc50kINNh26@CS.UTK.EDU>
[Our Heroes, the Red Iguana of Religiosity, and the Fuzzy
Ferret of Faith are still trapped by the Vile and Irreligious
Knowledgius Objectivus, Atheist God. Publius has just saved
Ferret Boy from making the Terrible Mistake of abandoning
Religion and joining the Wicked Knowledgius. Knowledgius has
tried to summon the True Believers from the Island of Logis,
but at the end of the last episode, he seemed to have failed.
We travel now to the Vapid and Viruliferous Paroxysm of Doubt
and Dismay, the Scrofulous Island of Logis, where Feckless
Autonomous Men come and go as they please, without regard for
the Whims of a Higher Power. In the Communications Center of
the Atheist Base of Operations we find...]
[Nobody! Where can all these Wicked Yobbos have gone? On
the desk we see a listing of all 900-number calls to the
Skeptic Hotline, that Sewer of Doubt, and we see one number
is circled, and next to it is an address...]
[The address is 1700 Ocean Floor Drive, the home of the Vile
Atheist God, Knowledgius Objectivus, which happens to be
right next door to the PubeDome, Sacred Inner-Sanctum of that
Yokefellow of Pig Farmers, Publius. Ironic that the Sacred
and the Profane should come so close on the ocean floor...]
[We travel beneath the ocean to join the Blasphemous Atheists
as their submarine approaches its destination... We find
Contemptible Arch-Atheist and Thinker of That Which is Not To
Be Thought, Stacy Prowell at the helm. With him is his first
officer, Dan Johnson, schemer of the "Storming the Pearly
Gates" plan. Do these Atheists hold nothing sacred?]
Stacy: [Smiling] See, I told you we would eventually
get off that island!
Dan: [Shrugs] Yeah, well, I thought you meant go someplace
above the water.
Stacy: Pessimist.
[Diane, who is piloting the sub, speaks.]
Diane: Shut up. I need to concentrate. It's hard to read
building numbers underwater.
Stacy: Yes, ma'am.
Dan: I thought you were captain? Are you going to take that
abuse?
Stacy: Since I can't pilot this thing, yes I am!
Diane: Silence! Ah, there it is...
[The Atheist sub turns and approaches the 1700 Ocean Floor
Drive, the home of Knowledgius Objectivus, Atheist God.
Diane extends one of the sub's remote manipulator arms to
ring the doorbell.]
Stacy: Hey, isn't that Bobby from Dallas over there?
Dan: [Looking] Nope. It looks a little like Ludwig
Plutonium. Or Joel Furr. They look a little alike...
Diane: It looks like nobody is home. I say we go next
door and ask about whoever lives here.
Dan: That sounds like a good suggestion, Ensign.
What say you, Captain?
Stacy: Make it so, Number One.
Dan: Ensign, take us to 1701.
Diane: [Rolls her eyes derisively] I hope you two
cornballs remember that I own this sub.
Stacy: What's going on, Number One.
Dan: Dissention in the ranks, Sir.
Stacy: I hereby appoint you Morale Officer. Carry on.
Dan: [Frowning] Gee, thanks.
[The sub drifts toward the massive PubeDome at 1701.
Again, Diane uses the remote manipulator arm to ring
the doorbell...]
[In the Control Room of the massive PubeDome, Knowledgius
is experimenting with the WackyCapitalizer(tm) (from the
makers of SquiggleWiggleWriter(tm)), which he has plugged
into a desktop Puberizer.]
Knowledgius: [Into microphone] You are all atheists and
will be punished by my god in the afterlife. You want
to listen to the J. Geils Band, but there is no hot
potato for your egg when the final trump sounds.
WackyCapitalizer: You are all Atheists, Disciples of the
True Religion of Atheism - Atheism is a Religion, you
know - (I know, You will say "It isn't" but we've all
seen that It Is) and you will be Punished by my God, who
is a Living God and therefore Superior to your Dead God,
when you get to the Afterlife. You should Listen to J.
Edgar Hoover, but it is Too Hot in the World Capital of
Pornography which is what the United States has Become
since Atheism overthrew the Potato as the National
Religion. Egg! The final Trump will not be a Plaza,
but a Sound which you will Hear, but only If you are
Listening! PUBLIUS, as always, et. al.
Knowledgius: [Disconnecting the Puberizer] Uh, we can
live without that. [Doorbell rings] Now who could that
be?
[Knowledgius pushes buttons and is gratified to finally
obtain a view outside the PubeDome. There he sees the
WACS* Godless.]
[*WACS - Worldwide Atheist Conspiracy Ship]
Knowledgius: Ah, ha! The Atheists have arrived!
[Presses button on tiny remote to open garage door of
PubeDome]
Diane: Hey, somebody is home... [She moves the sub into
the garage]
Stacy: Take us in, Number One.
Dan: Aheah, Ensign.
[Diane does not take her eyes off the forward view, but
flails her left arm about behind her in an attempt to
strike the other Arch-Atheists. The sub continues into
the garage, then rises into the docking area, where Diane
pulls it deftly to a stop.]
Diane: Okay, we're here.
Stacy: Form an away team, Number One.
Dan: Diane, Stacy, you're with me.
Stacy: As captain I think...
Diane: Listen you two overgrown children, let's just get
this over with, shall we?
Stacy: [Meekly] Okay.
[The Vile Atheists Emerge from their Godless Submarine and
stand on the docks. Dan notices they are not alone...]
Dan: Hey, aren't those the guys we put in the Free Thought
Enforcer?
Stacy: [Looking] Yes, they are!
Ferret Boy: Gak! The Evil Atheists are here! Do
something, O Masked Iguana!
In article <2lsiqj$1ofk@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
> ADDENDUM TO 'QUESTION SEVEN'.
Ferret Boy: Not your questions again, Publius!
[The Atheists approach the Ferret Van. Publius pushes
buttons, and a large display emerges from the top of the
Ferret Van...]
> The True Believrers of the Atheist Religion who affect a
> 'holier than thou' attitude charecteristic of all True
> Believers must wince at the performances of a peculiar type,
> supposedly numbered among the True Believers. The above
> are typical.
[The giant screen flickers to life and displays the face
of Knowledgius Objectivus, Atheist God.]
Knowledgius: Hey, guys! I knew you would respond to my
psychic link! I'll be right out!
Dan: It's that psychic link creep! Where is he?
[Publius motions to the Control Room door, which opens
to reveal the blue-rainment-clad figure of Knowledgius
Objectivus. The Atheists approach him angrily...]
Stacy: Who the heck are you?
Knowledgius: Ah, Knowledgius Objectivus, Atheist God.
Dan: You're the atheist god creep, too? Look you, we've
come a long way to do this. [Produces a copy of the
alt.atheism FAQ's] Take this! [Throws FAQ's at
Knowledgius, who vanishes in a puff of logic]
Diane: Can we go home now?
Ferret Boy: Excellent Publius! You played the Atheists
right against their God and Destroyed Him! You have
Saved us! How did you do it?
> There is always the feeling among those whose Religion is based
> on the awareness of the Living God, that there is a sub-conscious
> jealousy at play here - the knowledge that the Non-living God
> is inferior to the Living God.
Stacy: "Living god?" "Non-living god?" What are you
babbling about? There are no gods, you moron.
> All True Believers of the Atheist Religion display this attitude
> in one way or another but the less civilized element lets out
> all stops in displaying this attitude of inadequacy. Nothing
> can be done about it, I guess.
[Publius and Ferret Boy walk toward the open Control Room
door.]
> 'Question Seven' is the last question. Now it is back to
> 'Question One' - in accordance with Nietzsche's Principle
> of 'Eternal Recurrence'. See you there.
Dan: I wish I had brought another copy of the FAQ's
for these clowns.
Stacy: I don't think it would have helped.
> PUBLIUS
Diane: Can we go home now?
[Our Heroes have triumphed! They have destroyed the Vile
Atheist God, Knowledgius, leaving only the Atheist Rabble
to be dealt with!]
[Thus ends the series Red Iguana Dawn! Publius and Ferret
Boy may return in a future series... Let me know what you
think...]
--
-- _Stacy Prowell_______________________sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
| |
| "But what about the long run?" - curious economics student |
| "In the long run we are all dead." - John Maynard Keynes |
|____________________________________________________________|
Red Iguana Dawn
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