Red Iguana Dawn

Episode 8: The Nature of God

From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 8: THE NATURE OF GOD
Date: 14 Mar 1994 20:09:28 GMT
Message-ID: <2m2g9oINN60p@CS.UTK.EDU>

[The Invincible Hideout of the Mighty Red Iguana of Life-Oriented Religion has been reduced to smoking ashes. Our Hero, Publius, sits on the ground outside the entrance tunnel, waiting for his Faithful Sidekick, Ferret Boy, to bring the Pubemobile around. He waits...]

[The Ferret Van, a Fabulous Testament to the Power of Faith, emerges from the Hideout Garage and pulls to a stop beside our hero. Ferret Boy leans out the window.]

Ferret Boy: O Invincible Lizard of all that is Properly Defined, that Seditious Scofflaw took the Pubemobile! I shudder to think what will happen now that it has fallen in the wrong hands!

[Publius rises and climbs into the Ferret Van, replacing Ferret Boy at the wheel.]

In article <2koiim$1qv1@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
|>   I've studied the Modern Religions and the Religions of the 
|>   Ancient World searching for a definition of the term "God"
|>   that would be 'soul satisfying' for me.

[Publius starts the Van and places it in gear. The engine dies.]

Ferret Boy: You need to keep the clutch in.

[Publius and Ferret Boy exchange places.]

|>   I finally agreed with the Egyptians who concluded 2000 years
|>   before the Pyramids were built:"No Man shall know the Form
|>   of God."

[Ferret Boy is successful in starting the Van. Two black streaks made of smoking rubber follow the van out onto the highway.]

[Publius punches up some text on the Van's confusing array of display screens and instrument readouts.]

|>   And reading now the conjecturings of theoretical physicists
|>   as to how the Universe began and the shape of the Ultimate
|>   Reality, I have come up with my own definition:"God is that
|>   which existed before the Universe was Created."

Ferret Boy: Hey, don't display Heiroglyphics on the windshield! [The text moves to a less obtrusive display]

|>   It is the arrogant impertinence of immature minds that declares:
|>   "Whatever is not explainable according to the Laws of Physics
|>   and Chemistry is not only not true, it is not even worth
|>   talking about!"
|>                   PUBLIUS

Ferret Boy: Do you have some money for gas?

[Meanwhile, many miles away, the Vile Atheist God, Knowledgius Objectivus speeds along in the Pubemobile.]

Knowledgius: Hey, this is really neat! [Pushes a button]

Pubemobile: Auto-Mozumderizer activated.

Knowledgius: I wonder what that does?

Pubemobile: Wonder is a Religion that Postulates a God whose Nature is the Presence of some sought- after Knowledge. Wonder is a Religion. You will be Assimilated.

Knowledgius: Hey, this is neat!

Pubemobile: Your attempts to label me as "neat" or "groovy" or "way-cool, daddy-o" are doomed to failure. You will Realize that Cheese is not a Toy, but a Food made of Processed Dairy Products. "Cheese Food" is what you feed to Cheese. Accept it.

[Knowledgius flips some more switches...]

Pubemobile: Auto-anti-nomologizer activated. Auto-McElwaineizer activated.

Pubemobile: No they aren't.

Pubemobile: I will not listen to your attempts to Define Activated until you accept my Premise:

ACTIVATED:: A God which Postulates a Religion consisting of Whatever I want to be in it.

Pubemobile:

      WARNING:  MARK OF BEA$T DETECTED BY FACE ON MAR$!!

    Many do not realize that the UNITED NATIONS is part
  of a GLOBAL CONSPIRACY to HIDE the TRUE FACT that the
  FACE ON MARS is sending a WARNING about the MARK OF THE
  BEA$T!

      WHY THE FACE ON MARS?

    The FACE ON MARS is not, as TOP SCIENTISTS would have
  us believe, a naturally-occuring landmark, but a 3-D
  INTRUSION of a 5-D MULTIPHASIC naturally-occuring
  landmark.  They do not understand the NATURE of MULTI-
  PHASIC POWER.  If properly controlled, it can MANAGE
  your checkbook.  If released uncontrolled, it can DESTROY
  ALL MONOPHASIC UNIVERSES!

      WHERE IS THE MARK OF THE BEA$T?

    The UNITED NATIONS has been HIDING none other than the
  GENETIC RE-CONSTRUCTION of ADOLF HITLER.  He is at the
  infamous AREA 57, and the UN SCIENTISTS are using MULTI-
  PHASIC POWER to rebuild him.  Thus we see that there is
  a WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY to fool people into thinking the
  MARK OF THE BEA$T is 666 when we see that it is really
  57!  This is why the FACE ON MARS is sending its message!
  DESTROY all STEAK SAUCES which bear the MARK!

    FREE distribution of the IMPORTANT INFORMATION is 
  ENCOURAGED and REQUESTED!!!

Pubemobile: The Face on Mars needs love. The Mark of the Beast needs love. You will accept my Basic Premise and I will Go Away, but if you do Not, I will Entice others to Needle you about the Perplexing "Steak Sauce is a Religion" question. PUBLIUS

Knowledgius: [Randomly flipping switches] Hey, how do I shut this stuff off!

Pubemobile: Off is what you want. You will not Get It until you Accept my Basic Premise. Black is White. You will have to Accept it sooner or Later, why not Now? If People understood Groundhog Day it would be the day all programming was Kicked Off the Air and a the Lyrics for "She Bop" read by a Distinguished Groundhog.

Knowledgius: AAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!

[The Atheist God loses control simultaneously of both the vehicle and his sanity. The Pubemobile barrels out of control and off the road, plunging into a deep ravine. Trees snap as it crashes toward the bottom. As it comes to rest, it explodes violently. It this the end of the Evil and Vile Villain, Knowledgius? Tune in next time and see!]

-- _Stacy Prowell_______sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
  |                                            |
  | The mysterious UNIX paradigm:              |
  |                                            |
  |   "No design is better than a bad design." |
  |                             - Ken Thompson |
  |____________________________________________|

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