Storming the Pearly Gates

Chapter 5:  On the Other Hand

From: johnsd2@jec327.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 5.
Date: 6 Mar 1994 03:01:58 GMT

Here's what you've all been waiting for, but not for very long: Chapter 5, I hope these messages are getting out; several people have emailed me asking for direct emailage of this stuff because their newserver isn't getting it relably. Is this problem widespread?

Well, no matter. Here's Chapter 5. It's a bit short, but I had to cut off somewhere logical. And logic just isn't a strong suit of this particular plot. :)


Chapter 5: On the Other Hand

[Establishing shot of the Jesus Detachment (McCullough, Keppel-Jones, Geist) climbing through steep, rocky terrain]

McCullough:  "Are we there yet?"

Geist:  "Shh! I heard something!"

McCullough:  [quietly] "Yeah. A question."

Geist:  "No.. over past that ridge.. c'mon, let's go look."

[They climb over to a nearby ridge and look over. Beyond the ridge there's a circle of perhaps 10 people.]

Person #1:  "My Lord JEEEZUS! We heard your warning and sent in our finest spirits to crush the infidels!"

Person #2:  "Heathen! He means Heathen!"

Person #1:  "Yeah! But they were too much for lowly scum like us! We forgot to give our spirits weapons, so they kind of lost. Forgive us, your children!"

Geist:  [whispering to Keppel-Jones] "No weapons?"

Keppel-Jones:  "It might have taken a bit longer if they were armed, but I'm sure I could have..."

McCullough:  [shouts] "KEEP IT DOWN! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!"

Person #2:  "Did you hear something?"

Person #4:  "No, did you?"

Person #1:  "I did, too.. over there.."

[The people walk up the ridge and find Our Heros]

Person #8:  "Who are they?"

Voice from Behind Our Heros:  "The heathen that you lowlifes didn't kill."

[Out heros spin about and see a long haired man in a white toga.]

Geist:  "Who are you?"

Man:  [throwing his arms about dramatically] "JEEEZUS, thy Lord and God, stupid unbeliever!" [looks at his followers] "Now kill them!"

[The people begin to surge forward..]

McCullough:  [clears throat] "Um.. is that REALLY necessary?"

[and then they stop again, befuddled]

Person #2:  "Um.. er.. gee."

JEEEZUS:  "Yes, OF COURSE it is! They work for the enemy!"

Geist:  "Enemy? I assure you, we don't work for Satan. I mean, Keppel-Jones here knows his landlord, but that's IT."

Person #4:  "Satan?"

JEEEZUS:  "Liar! You work for Jesus, ADMIT IT!"

Keppel-Jones:  "Um.. waitasec. If we work for you, how come you are trying to have us killed?"

JEEEZUS:  "Not ->ME<- you moron, that Damned Usurper, Jesus!"

[Trees begin being whithering left and right at his rage]

Keppel-Jones:  "And you're JEEEZUS, not Jesus?"

JEEEZUS:  "->YES<-! Give this man a cigar!"

[Person #9 produces a cigar and offers it to Keppel-Jones]

Keppel-Jones:  "And you don't like Jesus?"

JEEEZUS:  "I deserve to be King of Heaven, too!"

Geist:  "But isn't he the Son of God?"

JEEEZUS:  "Me too. And don't tell me he's older, we're twins."

Keppel-Jones:  "I wouldn't dream of it. So, he's your evil twin brother?"

JEEEZUS:  "NO! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING? I'M ->HIS<- Evil Twin Brother! Jesus isn't evil, he's a goddamned smurf!"

McCullough:  "We sympathize. We're out to kill him."

JEEEZUS:  "Oh, cool. Good luck; I've always wanted to sit at the Right Hand of my father, instead of the left. I'd help, but we have to go petition the local school board. Tah."

[JEEEZUS and followers leave]

McCullough:  "Well, that was an odd one. But we're no closer to finding Jesus now than before."

[Geist develops a thoughtful look]

Keppel-Jones:  "Alan.. why are you developing a thoughtful look?"

Geist:  "OF COURSE! I should have known!"

Keppel-Jones:  "Known?"

Geist:  "Listen. You know all that stuff Jesus said.. turn the other cheek... love thy enemies.. all that jazz?"

McCullough:  "Yeah, so?"

Geist:  "What else but a smurf would say that?"

McCullough:  "Hold it, hold it, time out. A smurf? The little blue guys? Are you seriously considering taking that comment of his literally?"

Geist:  "Yes! We have to find the Smurf Village!"

Keppel-Jones:  "Waitasec. We're in Heaven. It's on Earth. Do you see a little problem here?"

Geist:  "No, I don't. But then, I know something you don't!"

Keppel-Jones:  "What would that be, pray tell?"

Geist:  "The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow!"

McCullough:  "African or European?"

Geist:  [ignoring that] "And I know something else! Around 60 BC, Gargamoyle bought a nuke from the Israelis, and finally put an end to the smurfs!"

"Of course, he blew himself straight to hell in the process, where I hear he runs a very nice bar. But the smurfs must have gone to heaven. No WAY would Cerberus of let those lumps of sweetness and light anywhere NEAR the Infernal Regions. Some people just don't know the debt we owe to that pooch..."

McCullough:  "You're a genius! Or a lunatic. No, strike that. Just a lunatic. How does this help us, anyway?"

Geist:  "I gather you don't rough it much. Smurfs always build little tiny villages out of polyester mushrooms in the sunnier spots of the forests. We just find a forest and look for sunny bits."

McCullough:  "It's lame, but I don't have a better idea. Let's go."

[They troop off towards a nearby forest. Fade out.]

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