Storming the Pearly Gates

Chapter 4: Unspeakable

From: johnsd2@jec316.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 4
Date: 5 Mar 1994 04:15:28 GMT

Here's Chapter 4, which did work out to be long enough. I hope you like it. It gets just a little odd at the end, but that's because I'm writing this at 11pm, which has it's impact.

From the way things are going, this is actualy going to work out to 12 chapters, just like my outline says it should. Will wonders never cease. But this and ch. 3 were two of the most vaguely defined chapters in my overall plan, and they both came off nicely. So we're 1/4 of the way through; can you stand the suspense?

Anyway, here's Ch 4, the answer to the prayers of the hordes telling me to get Angela Dyer into it somehow. :P

Chapter 4: Unspeakable

[Fade in to exterior view of a skyscraper. As we pan down to the door, Angela Dyer walks on screen, and inside. We pan after her.]

[Interior view of skyscraper. Angela Dyer walks up to a counter, where a clerk is standing.]

Angela Dyer: "I need to get to the Flanders Tounge Parlor. What floor is it?"

Clerk: "Ah yes, trying to speak the Unknown Tongue? Very admirable. It's on the 5th floor, but you can't go there now, you need an appointment."

Angela Dyer: "Oh, I doubt it." [Walks towards the elevator]

Clerk: "No! You can make an appointment at the desk... you can't go up!"

Angela Dyer: "Sure I can. Of course, that's just because the security in heaven is crap. No offence."

[she steps into the elevator, pushes 5. Doors close, and she on her way.]

[Cut to the Main Force, marching along the road. Then, suddenly...]

Terence Rokop: "Hold it! I smell... a trap!"

[Everyone scatters off to the side of the road but Rokop, who sniffs.]

"A '69, I think. That was a good year for traps."

[He roots around the bushes and come out with a bottle marked 'TRAP']

"Yes, just as I thought, a '69."

Dan Johnson: "No! I know a dumb exploding bottle joke when I see it coming from twenty miles away. Throw it away."

Terence Rokop: "Alright" <shrug>

[He tosses it away. Cut back to the interior of the skyscraper, 5th floor. An elevator opens, and Angela Dyer steps out, then walks through a nearby door marked 'Flanders Tongue Parlor']

[Cut to Interior, Flanders Tongue Parlor. A man is lieing on a sofa, and Flanders himself (you can tell by the T-shirt) is sitting nearby, psychiatrist style.]

Man: "Ouryay othermay ateseay ittylitterkay!"

Flanders: [seeing Angela] "Shhh! Don't interrupt! He's on a roll. Just sit down and wait your turn."

Man: "Eyhay abybay, annaway etgay tiay noay, owknay atwhay I eanmay?"

Angela Dyer: "That's Pig Latin!"

Flanders: "I know a dozen dialects of latin, and this isn't anything like them. It's the Unknown Tongue!"

Man: "I avehay a icenay omphycay olkwagenvay! 'moncay! I annaway etgay tiay puay!"

Angela Dyer: "Enough!" [She pulls out a big, nasty, sparking, pointy electroejaculator and gives the man a vicious poke]

Man: "AAAAHOOOWAY! OOWIEZAY!"

[And a white cloud spurts out of his navel and then.. just hangs in the air. Flanders looks aghast. The man looks surprised.]

Angela Dyer: "The Holy Ghost, I presume."

Cloud: "Well, yes. You were expecting me to be somewhere else? I'm everywhere, baby!"

Angela Dyer: "Stow it. You've had it, buster -- I'm going to take you down!"

Cloud: "I can't think of anyone I'd rather have take me down."

[The cloud forms into a lecherous grin.]

"But I'm afraid I'm too much for you. I am that which is everywhere, remember?"

Angela: [produces fat textbook] "Everywhere? As in, every single place?"

Cloud: "You gotta baby! You're quick!"

Angela: "Of course, that would include places where electrons already are.."

Cloud: "Yup!"

Angela: "And neutrons.."

Cloud: "Yes!"

Angela: "For you to be where Neutrons already are, you must be dense enough for gravity to overcome neutron degeneracy pressure.."

Cloud: "Now see here..."

Angela: "So you must have mass! But if you are everywhere, so is your mass."

Cloud: "Well..."

Angela: "So the universe must have collapsed from the gravitational distortion.."

Cloud: "But it HASN'T!"

Angela: "Yes! So you don't exist!"

Cloud: "Oh dear. Now I suppose you expect me to disappear in a puff of logic, right?"

Angela: "Well, it would be nice."

Cloud: "Never! I don't need logic! I'll just ignore it! Muahahaha!"

<CRASH>

[All turn to see five heavily armed men busting through the window, wearing 'Logic Police' uniforms.]

Logic Policeman #1: "Alright... who just violated the Laws of Logic?"

Cloud: "Uh... her!" [forms into a hand pointing an Angela]

Angela: "Liar! You did!"

Logic Policeman #2: "We better take 'em both in."

Logic Policeman #1: "Nah, I know this Holy Ghost. He's been stomping all over the good laws of this reality for as long as you've been on the force. It was him, count on it."

Logic Policeman #2: "Alright, boss. Holy Ghost, you are under arrest. You have the right to formulate proofs. If you give up that right, anything you claim can and will be criticized on aesthetic grounds. You have the right to a calculator..." [they lead the Cloud off, so we don't hear the rest.]

Flanders: "Hey! You can't do this! I'll sue you for restraint of trade."

Angela: "Well, my work is done here." [a twangy, western tune pops up] "I must move on.. but wherever rationality is threatened, wherever people make no sense, wherever I can get a good 'fig newton' -- there you will find... ->Angela Dyer<-, Veterinarian of Truth!"

[The music becomes louder and Angela walks out the door, and we fade out.]

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