Red Iguana Dawn
Episode 13: Intermezzo (Part 1)
From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 13: INTERMEZZO (Part One)
Date: 14 Mar 1994 20:20:14 GMT
Message-ID: <2m2gtuINN6h1@CS.UTK.EDU>
[We now travel back in time to discover the cause
of Knowledgius' sudden and shocking reformation,
in hopes of providing a brief intermezzo for all
readers to catch their breath before the stunning
episode which concerns the Free Thought Enforcer
and how it will effect Our Heroes. We also take
this break because the Author is not really sure
just how the Free Thought Enforcer is to effect our
heroes, and wants to go home and take a nap before
considering the problem further.]
[Knowledgius Objectivus has just inadvertently set
the Auto-Mozumderizer, Auto-Anti-Nomologizer, and
Auto-McElwaineizer in a feedback loop and has
subsequently lost control of the car, sanity,
and bladder.]
Knowledgius: AAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!
[The Awesome Pubemobile swervs out of control and
off the road, into a deep ravine. Trees bend and
snap as it crashes to the bottom, where it bursts
into flame.]
[Knowledgius comes to shortly afterward to discover
himself trapped in the burning Pubemobile.]
[Knowledgius looks around desperately for a means
to escape the burning Pubemobile...]
Pubemobile: When I see how the Atheist Religion
has effected the True Religions of Life, I am
Sad, and I ask God "Lord, you have shown me how
to Access and Post to Usenet, which is a Sewer!
Show me how to Make a Nuisance of Myself where
I am not Wanted!" And the answer came right
back...
Pubemobile:
$$ PYRAMID POWER $HOW$ US HOW TO MAKE MONEY $$
Now we can ALL live JUST LIKE MILLIONAIRES thanks
to a BREAKTHROUGH by Doctor William Moocow, PhD.
Dr. Moocow is a LEADING BIOPHYSICIST and author of
TWO BOOKS on the subject of PYRAMID POWER.
"People do not UNDERSTAND the AWESOME POWER which
can be theirs if they just REACH OUT AND SIEZE IT"
[emphasis added] says Dr. Moocow in his most recent
book _PYRAMID_SCHEME_. It reveals TOP SECRET
government files which PROVE that PYRAMID POWER was
used to WIN the WAR IN THE GULF! It reveals all
the TRUE FACTS about how to construct and use REAL
PYRAMIDS!
Widespread COPYING and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
Pubemobile: So I began posting my messages to
alt.atheism while sitting in a pyramid, and now
we see the result! There is serious discussion
of whether the FAQ should consider the perplexing
"Moocow has a real degree" problem created by
Publius.
Pubemobile: No, there isn't. That which exists
can only be explained in terms of that which
doesn't. Ah ha! Since you Vile Atheists all
say that God Doesn't Exist, we see that this
explains everything, and therefore the only
explanation is God! You will accept my premise.
Resistance is futile.
[Knowledgius stops trying to get out of the Pubemobile
and turns to the more pressing problem of shutting the
various devices off. Knowledgius presses more
buttons...]
Pubemobile: Auto-McDowellizer activated.
[Knowledgius pauses... his face turning pale as
the blood drains in terror...]
Knowledgius: Oh, shit!
Pubemobile: The challenge to the Christian Faith
has been laid out many times but has never been
successfully followed through. We know this
because the Christian Faith exists, and therefore
it cannot be challenged! Nobody follows through
because the Bible says they cannot!
Pubemobile: You will not Feed your Egos on me
by Following Through. Following Through is a
Religion. I'll remind you of my definition...
RELIGION: That which someone is doing at any
particular time.
Ah ha! So we see that your foolish "Following
Through" is meerely grasping for a religion!
You will not find it until you accept that you
are a block of Cheese Food. Accept it. We will
not "discuss" anything until you do.
Pubemobile:
NA$A ADMIT$ MOON I$ MADE OF CHEE$E
TOP OFFICIALS at NA$A have admitted after YEARS
of LIES and DECEIT that the moon is indeed made of
GREEN CHEE$E. The EVIL, SUPPRESSIVE governments of
ALL NATIONS fear this notice, and have moved to
SUPPRESS the TRUTH.
WHY GOVERNMENTS FEAR THE MOON REVELATION
A sudden, new source of UNLIMITED FOOD would be
welcomed by many, but the EVIL SUPPRESSIVE
governments of the Earth know that this would
weaken their ABSOLUTE CONTROL over the MINDS of
their citizens.
Widespread COPYING and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
Pubemobile: How do we know that Cheese exists? We
know is because it is mentioned in the Bible by
God, and we know God exists because the Bible says
so! It is the word of God, and therefore a
Primary Source! Ask a lawyer whether or not any
other primary source would be believed at face
value, and he will tell you it would! This is
evidence for the existence of God that would stand
up in any court! Therefore God exists. How do we
know the Bible is the TRUE word of God? It says
so! And since we know God exists, we can assume
that He wouldn't let lies be spread in His Bible.
Therefore the Bible is the word of God!
[Knowledgius, unable to take the bombardment of
illogic, passes out. The Pubemobile drones on,
filling Knowledgius' unconscious mind with absolute
proof of several contradictory absolute truths...]
[Knowledgius awakes later, after the battery has
exploded from the flames and the rantings have
subsided, and kicks the windshield out of the
Pubemobile. Knowledgius emerges from the flames a
new being of no particular race, gender, or sexual
orientation, a virtual Phoenix of TRUTH and LIGHT,
knowing what must be done. Knowledgius stalks off
toward the road, and toward the Atheist Base of
Operations, unaware that Publius and Ferret Boy are
also headed there...]
[In the next episode we will rejoin Our Heroes on
the island of Logis...]
--
-- _Stacy Prowell_______sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
| |
| The mysterious UNIX paradigm: |
| |
| "No design is better than a bad design." |
| - Ken Thompson |
|____________________________________________|
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