Red Iguana Dawn

Episode 20: Born-Again 'FAQ' - Question Six

From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 20: BORN-AGAIN 'FAQ'- QUESTION SIX
Date: 18 Mar 1994 15:53:31 GMT
Message-ID: <2mciprINN8br@CS.UTK.EDU>

[Our Heroes have escaped the Island of Logis for the second time in as many episodes. They are now headed to the Much Famed PubeDome, underwater abode of the Iguana of Truth, Our Hero Publius. Ferret Boy, trusty Sidekick of the Mighty Life-Oriented Iguana, steers the Ferret Van over the waters with a steady hand.]

Ferret Boy: Publius, you know I've got some questions about what we are going to do when we reach the PubeDome.

In article <2lg3di$vpf@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
>    QUESTION:"What about 'Politics' and the Atheist Religion?"

Ferret Boy: No, that's not it. I have been wondering how we're going to get in, since I have lost the keys. Also -- and this is a more pressing problem -- the Ferret Van hasn't been watertight since I had the sunroof installed by those God-Fearing people at Brother Joel Furr's Discount Mortuary and Custom Van Auto Sales. Since the PubeDome is on the ocean floor, this could pose a problem. Do you have an answer?

>      ANSWER: In Politics, "Liberalism" and "Atheism" are synonymous.

Ferret Boy: I really fail to see how-

>    (What a transformation in the meaning of a word since Christ
>    said:"Where Liberty is, there am I.")

Ferret Boy: Huh?

[Publius lapses into silence as the Ferret Van makes its way toward the PubeDome.]

Ferret Boy: Publius? Publius? Maybe I should cut some ear holes in your Iguana suit...

[Meanwhile, deep beneath the ocean, a sleek personal submarine speeds toward its destination. At the controls is none-other than that Vile Atheistic God, Knowledgius Objectivus, he of the Repulsive Thinking-For-Oneself and the Wicked Not- Believeing-Without-Evidence. What dastardly plan does he have in mind? Let's join him and see what he is up to...]

Knowledgius: [Rummaging around in glove compartment] Where did I put that tape? [Loud beeping ensues] Oh, I must be getting close to Publius' place. Let's see... [takes out keyring] 1701 Ocean Floor Drive.

[Outside, Patrick Duffy swims by with a watertight bag of groceries. Knowledgius swervs to avoid him.]

Knowledgius: [Yelling in a vain attempt to be heard outside the ship] Sorry! Now let's see... hey wait! I live at 1700 Ocean Floor Drive! Boy, you never really know your neighbors, do you?

[The sub approaches the PubeDome. Knowledgius presses a button on the tiny remote control attached to the keyring. Several garage doors open in the neighborhood... except Patrick Duffy's which, since it was already open, closes on him. Patrick shakes an angry fist at Knowledgius' submarine.]

[Knowledgius guides his submarine into the PubeDome's garage, then closes the door behind him. The sleek submarine rises and rises until it finally emerges into the PubeDome's dock. Knowledgius opens the hatch, emerging into the Fabulous PubeDome.]

Knowledgius: [Looking around at the spectacular PubeDome] What a dump.

[Knowledgius unlocks the door to the Control Room and enters. Around him he sees the splendid decor of the Control Room. Above the door hangs a sign:

    This Really Cool Control Room is OFF LIMITS
    to all but the Great Publius, Warm and Fuzzy
    Ferret Boy, and the Truly Great Intellectuals
    such as Mozumder and McDowell.  THIS MEANS
    YOU, KNOWLEDGIUS!!!

Knowledgius does not see the sign, however, since it contains names which are in his killfile. Over the main viewscreen is an "Arrive Alive, Drive 55" sign, and next to one of the many keyboards is a picture of Publis and Jimmy Carter at the burning of the Oak Ridge Breeder Reactor Library. It is signed "Thanks for the idea, Stan! - Jimmy Carter". Knowledgius -- who was once a Carter fan -- scowls at it.]

Knowledgius: Hmm. I wonder what these displays show?

[Knowledgius presses some buttons. A view of the charred interior of the Pubemobile fills one display. Knowledgius shudders and presses more buttons. A view of the charred interior of the PubeCave fill another display, showing the charred remains of the massive Mozumderizer. Knowledgius chuckles and presses more buttons. A view of the interior of the PubeDome's Control Room fills yet another display.]

Knowledgius: Aw, come on! Is this guy anal-retentive or what? I suppose that's just for completeness.

[Knowledgius presses more buttons. A view of the interior of the Ferret Van fills a fourth display, showing Our Heroes, Publius and Ferret Boy, holding their breaths and praying at the closed garage door. Knowledgius rubs his chin thoughtfully, then takes out the tiny remote and presses the button. The door opens and the Ferret Van enters the garage. Knowledgius toys with the idea of lowering the door on the van, then discards it. There is more fun to be had than just this.]

[Knowledgius walks over and locks the door to the Control Room. A few minutes later he is gratified to hear the rattling of a doorknob. Knowledgius stalks over to the display showing the now-empty Ferret Van and presses some more buttons.]

Knowledgius: Hello, mister Iguana!

[There is a timeless pause, then Ferret Boy and Publius re-appear on the display.]

Ferret Boy: Hey! This is our hideout, Hideous Atheist Scum! You better let us in, or else we'll kick the door down and then it'll be two on one and we'll see who's right!

Knowledgius: Someone needs to be on my side. It's a democracy, let's vote. Who wants Ferret Boy to be on my team?

[Publius waves a dismissive hand.]

>    "Multi-Party Democracy" is a made-to-order format for controlling
>    and manipulating the Masses.

Ferret Boy: Yeah!

Knowledgius: But just a second ago you were talking about how your superior numbers made you right.

Ferret Boy: [Covering his ears] I can't hear you!

>    The terms 'Democracy' and 'Party' do not occur even once in the
>    Declaration of Independence or the Constitution. The Founding
>    Fathers, during the Constitutional Convention, adopted this
>    Resolution::"The election of the President must be insulated
>    from the heat and ferment of a Popular Election." - They then
>    constructed an "Electoral" process that was designed to prevent
>    American Republic from suffering the same Fate as the Roman
>    Republic. What went wrong is a matter for later discussion.

[Knowledgius waves the tiny remote in front of the camera, then presses the button.]

Knowledgius: You can't go out, and you can't come in. Will you listen to reason now?

Ferret Boy: Never! I've got my unthinking cap on!

>    But
>    here is what George Washington said in his Farewell Address
>    about the fatal tendence - already developing:"Let me now...
>    warn you...against the baneful effects of the spirit of Party.
>    The Alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened       
>    by the spirit of revenge natural to Party dissension, which in
>    different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid
>    enormities, is itself a frightful despotism."

Knowledgius: That's a nasty bit of sentence, isn't it?

>    "But this leads to
>    a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and 
>    miseries which result, gradually incline the minds of men to     
>    seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual."
>    That is about as clear as you can make it:

Knowledgius: Hey, what about the George Washington test you promised us? All I know that George Washington is that "that is the day stores have sales."

>    'Democracy' is always
>    succeeded - as History tells us - by what we call today, 
>    "A Fascist Dictatorship".- Always.

Knowledgius: Just like Wal-Mart. Listen, why don't you two put your brain cells together and give me a ring you decide to have an intelligent discussion.

>    The Atheist Religion, with its "Doctrine of the Autonomous-Self"
>    is speeding the process of social dissolution and thereby 
>    the coming of a Dictatorship. Society will then say:"We had
>    no choice."

Knowledgius: And just how is saying men are not autonomous suppossed to set them free?

>    A lot here to talk about.    PUBLIUS, et al.

Ferret Boy: [Squeezing into the camera's view] Et al means me, you know!

Knowledgius: Whatever. [Presses button to sever connection.]

[Will our Heroes have to listen to Knowledgius Objectivus and Reason? Will they starve, trapped in the Mighty PubeDome? IS THIS REALLY THE END THIS TIME? Will they break down the door and confront Knowledgius? Or will they think up a crafty plan to thwart the Evil Atheist God and set things straight? Tune in next time and see!]

-- 
-- _Stacy Prowell_____________sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
  |                                                  |
  | mutter mutter Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka    |
  | mumble mumble mutter mumble who are they anyway? |
  | mutter mumble mumble mutter...                   |
  |__________________________________________________|

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