Red Iguana Dawn
Episode 23: Back to Basics
From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 23: BACK TO BASICS
Date: 22 Mar 1994 21:51:48 GMT
Message-ID: <2mnp9kINN802@CS.UTK.EDU>
[We return to the PubeDome to find the Wicked Knowledgius,
Atheist God, deviously scheming to undermine Ferret Boy's
Faith and Lead Him Astray to the Vile Abyss of the Soul
that is Atheism. Ferret Boy looks longingly at his mentor,
the Mighty Source of Obfuscatory Definition, Publius.
Publius pays no attention, but continues punching buttons
on the Pube Trend-O-Meter, extrapolating the Vituperative
effects of Atheism on the Vector of Society.]
Ferret Boy: Uh, ah... maybe I could, uh, just go into the
Control Room for a few minutes and watch, uh, just one
video... and maybe eat some popcorn...
Knowledgius: I found some apples and caramel dip in the
fridge!
[Suddenly, Publius turns back to the Ferret Communicator,
which displays the Repulsive Face Knowledgius, he of No
Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation.]
In article <2m0ci9$d93@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
> Remember the cry of anguish and rage that went up when
> Publius declared:"Atheism is just another Religion!"?
Ferret Boy: [Jumps, shaken from his stupor by Publius'
harsh voice] What? Yes, yes I do!
[Knowledgius rolls his eyes derisively.]
> Remember the barrage of "Read the !#?*! FAQ!" that was
> supposed to put this intruder to flight? (It worked many
> times before.)
Knowledgius: Well yeah, but they were smarter than you.
[Publius wiggles an accusing finger at Knowledgius' nose.]
> Now look! - No more hiding behind the childish:"We don't
> believe in God - so there!"
Ferret Boy: That's it, let him have it, O Masked Lizard!
> It was like pulling teeth but we pinned it down to the
> admission that the only God you didn't believe in was
> a Living God.
Knowledgius: Was I involved in this conversation-
> You admitted that you believed that the Universe was a
> composite of Matter and Energy - and nothing else.
Knowledgius: When did I say tha-
> You
> admitted that you believed that only that was real that
> could be explained according to the Laws of Physics
> and Chemistry.
Knowledgius: Wha-
Ferret Boy: Har! You can keep your Scrofulous Videos,
Wicked Magazines, Disgusting Popcorn, and Distracting
Logic, Mister "I'm too smart to believe in God"! Now
Publius has you right where he wants you!
Knowledgius: But these videos have your nam-
Ferret Boy: I'll listen to you no more, Vile Idolater!
> You admitted that you believed that Life
> began as the result of the random interaction of atoms
Knowledgius: I did not!
> - or some such thing. - A primordial chemical accident.
Knowledgius: I thought life was a coital chemical
accident.
> You also admitted - in summary - that the only reality
> that you believed in was whatever was perceived by the
> Senses - and nothing else.
Knowledgius: Bzzzt! But thank you for playing. I
can't see atoms but-
> Now - if this set of Beliefs isn't descriptive of a God
> and his Nature, I don't know what is.
Ferret Boy: Yeah!
Knowledgius: Well, I like to think of myself as
"differently abled," not really a "god" in the
classical sense, but if you want-
> The fact that this God is Dead
Ferret Boy and Knowledgius: Dead?
> - (no, that's not right.
Knowledgius: Well, thank you for the vote of
confidence.
> To be Dead you have to have Lived, and he never Lived.)
Knowledgius: [Beginning to fade away] Hey! What gives!
Ferret Boy: It's working, Masked Iguana! Keep it up!
> - that this God is Life-less does not defeat the term
> "God". Lots of Religions have non-living Gods.
Knowledgius: [Pops back to solidity] Har!
Ferret Boy: Publius! You had him! What happenned?
> They're
> called Idols. (I guess Atheism is an Idolatrous Religion.)
Knowledgius: [Blushing] Well, I am kinda cute...
Ferret Boy: [Shaking Publius violently] What are you
doing? You had him! [Leans close to Iguana head]
Do you hear me in there? Is any of this reaching
you? We are trapped in the PubeDome! What are we
going to do? Do you hear me? Hello?
> I'll tell you what let's do.
Ferret Boy: Thank God!
Knowledgius: You're welcome!
Ferret Boy: Publius has a plan! I mean he reeeeally
does this time! You're toast, Unbeliever! Tell him
what we are going to do, Publius! [Folds his arms
with a gesture of finality]
> Let's all petition the
> the Supreme Court to adjudicate the matter: Whether or
> not Atheism is a Religion.
Ferret Boy: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhh!
Knowledgius: Yes, I'll phone them up! It'll go on
your phone bill, I'm afraid...
> The preliminaries would be
> lots of fun.
Knowledgius: Nope. The Supreme Court does not issue
advisory judgements, mister Iguana.
> I mean on TV, the Press, Talk Shows.
Knowledgius: [Brightly] Oh!
> I'd like to discuss this with serious Atheist but you
> know what will happen: A bunch of bird-brains will
> get on and within three follow-ups will completely
> wreck the Thread.
[Publius motions to the Pube Thread-O-Meter, while
Ferret Boy sobs quietly in a corner.]
Knowledgius: Thread? Don't you mean Vector? That's
what we're trying to wreck here.
Ferret Boy: <Sob!> He's lost his mind!
> - That doesn't just happen to me.
Ferret Boy: I know, it happenned to Bobby and Ifran
and everyone else who went up against Knowledgius.
> I'll try, instead of follow-ups, to post 'addenda'
> and thereby restore the Thread.
Knowledgius: Vector.
> Anyway how about the Supreme Court bit?
[Will the Supreme Court be forced to come to the
PubeDome? Will Knowledgius let them in? Does the
Supreme Court own a submarine? Will Ferret Boy
really give up hope this time? Will Our Heroes
give in and listen to Reason? IS THIS REALLY
GOING TO BE THE END THIS TIME? Tune in again,
and find out!]
--
-- _Stacy Prowell_____________sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
| |
| mutter mutter Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka |
| mumble mumble mutter mumble who are they anyway? |
| mutter mumble mumble mutter... |
|__________________________________________________|
Red Iguana Dawn
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