Red Iguana Dawn

Episode 4:  Washington's Birthday Sale

From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 4: WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY SALE
Date: 14 Mar 1994 20:04:04 GMT
Message-ID: <2m2fvkINN5pc@CS.UTK.EDU>
[We find our Red-Iguana-Suited Hero deep under the earth in the Pube Cave. Our Hero is busily tinkering with the giant Mozumderizer, apparently unconcerned that Ferret Boy has had to cannibalize the Anti-Nomologizer to rebuild the shattered Logic Mangler, and that the Yellow-Bellied Scourge of Atheists is even now tracking him through his FAX number...]

[Ferret Boy enters the Pube Cave's Control Room carrying some pamphlets...]

Ferret Boy:  ...it was just some Jehovah's Witnesses. O Great One, what are we to do about the FAX machine problem? Should I unplug it?

[Suddenly the FAX machine springs to life! A figure forms near the machine, taking on substance... a form clothed in shining blue rainment, of No Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation (tm)... it is the Cursed Ringleader of the Atheist Religion, the Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus!]

KO:  Ah, Publius, my old Enemy! At last we meet face to face. So this is your hideout, eh? Not so secret any more! You've let your guard down... soon my Atheist Minions (tm) will be here as well! It's finished!

[Publius looks up from the Mozumderizer and his eyes slowly travel to meet those of the Evil Atheist God... then continue without pause to the calendar. The Red Iguana of Correct Thought rubs his chin thoughtfully...] 
In article <2kfssr$fl4@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
|>   Yesterday was George Washington's Birthday          
|>   and if I hadn't been diverted ...
Ferret Boy:  Golly, Masked Iguana! It's the Vile Enemy of Faith and Life-Oriented Religions, right here in the Pube Cave! What do we do?!?

Knowledgius:  Yes, Publius... or should I say Stanley? Yes, I know your secret identity, and soon the world shall, as well! Moo Hoo hoo! What will you do now, eh? Let's see how you escape this time! You are doomed! 
|>   When Washington delivered his 'Farewell Address', the Congress
|>   was so moved that its members passed a Resolution that every year
|>   on his birthday the Address be read bya member to the assembled
|>   Congress.
[Ferret Boy and Knowledgius exchange confused glances... Ferret Boy's slightly hopeful, Knowledgius' slightly concerned.]

Knowledgius:  What is this about Washington? I thought you were obsessed with Madison! Is this some sort of trick? [Knowledgius looks around in concern.]

Ferret Boy:  Har! Publius has a PLAN! I bet he's calling the Creationist Morons and the Pig Farmers right now! 
|>   - Today, all we know about George Washington is that 
|>   it is the day stores have 'Washington's Birthday Sales'.
Knowledgius and Ferret Boy:  [Confusedly] What?!? 
|>   If things were right in our Country, it would be the day all
|>   programs on radio and TV would be knocked off the air and the
|>   Address read by a respected American to the entire Nation.
Knowledgius:  Hey! Publius! Look over here! It's me, your arch-enemy! You listening? 
|>   Then we would all know what Principles should guide us and what
|>   kind of future faces us if we violate these Principles.
Knowledgius:  Huh? Hello, mister Iguana! Anybody home? Deadly enemy of religion at ten o'clock! See me? Hello? 
|>   His Prophecy is right on track and the future that is shaping up 
|>   looks brutish indeed.
Knowledgius:  Ferret Boy, am I missing something here?

Ferret Boy:  Uh... this is kinda like the time he just sat around for days muttering "Rosebud"...

Knowledgius:  Look, I gotta be somewhere. I got people to lead astray. Can we get in touch with him? 
|>   - There will be more about that and the con-
|>   nection with the Atheist Religion. Meanwhile, bone up on               
|>   'Washington's Farewell Address'. There will be a test. PUBLIUS
Knowledgius:  A test? [Backs slowly toward FAX machine.] What are you talking about?

[What's this? Has Publius gone mad... or is it a Carefully Calculated Madness? Does he have a plan? What does George Washington have to do with anything anyway? And why doesn't the massive Mozumderizer actually do anything in these episodes? Perhaps these questions will be answered in the next episode... tune in again and see!] 
-- 
-- _Stacy Prowell_______sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
  |                                            |
  | The mysterious UNIX paradigm:              |
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  |   "No design is better than a bad design." |
  |                             - Ken Thompson |
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