Red Iguana Dawn

Episode 5: BULLETIN!

From: sprowell@grape.cs.utk.edu (Stacy Prowell)
Subject: RED IGUANA DAWN, Episode 5: BULLETIN!
Date: 14 Mar 1994 20:05:36 GMT
Message-ID: <2m2g2gINN5pc@CS.UTK.EDU>

[We travel to the island of Logis, the Scrofulous Atheistic Base of Operations, where Autonomous Men come and go freely, spreading the disease that is Atheism far and wide throughout Civilization.]

[We find Dan Johnson on duty, manning the communications center of the Base. Beside him sit the Vile and Vituperative Plans for the latest Damnable Plot of the Atheistic Rabble... Storming the Pearly Gates! Does the Yellow-Bellied Renegade hold nothing sacred?]

[The phone rings...]

Dan: [Lifting receiver] Ye-low, Skeptic Hotline. This is Dan, your personal skeptic. It's your money, start talking.

[Across the line comes the trembling voice of Knowledgius Objectivus, Atheist God.]

Knowledgius: I have sent out my psychic link-

Dan: Huh? This is the skeptic hotline, you kook. Either get a clue or dial the psychic hotline.

Knowledgius: Dan! It's me, Knowledgius! The Atheist God! I'm in the Pube Cave and-

Dan: Atheist God? Look, buddy, buy a clue and read the FAQ. [Hangs up the phone] Geez. Idiots.

[The phone rings again...]

Dan: Ye-low, Skeptic Hotline. This is Dan, your personal skeptic.

[The voice of the One TRUE Iguana wafts across the miles to Dan's ear... it is Our Hero PUBLIUS, Champion of Good Vibes about Religion!]

In article <2kit4m$lsr@inca.gate.net>, publius@inca.gate.net (Publius) writes:
|>   BULLETIN!

Dan: Huh?

|>   This morning the Wall Street Journal published (editorial
|>   page) a statement, excerpted from the March issue of 'First
|>   Things', authored by the Ramsey Colloquium, a group of 
|>   Christian and Jewish scholars sponsored by the Institute
|>   on Religion and Public Life.

[The sounds of a scuffle and breaking glass reach Dan thorugh the phone line.]

Dan: Is this some sort of random caller? I hope you know it's a five dollars for the first minute, a dollar for each additional minute. Hello?

[Ferret Boy's voice replaces Publius's.]

Ferret Boy: We've got your Damnable Atheist God here, and Publius is cooking up a plan that will finish off Atheism (hack, spit, cough) forever! What do you say to that, eh?

Dan: Read the FAQ, moron. And if you call back, make it, uh... [Checks schedule to see when John Kress is on duty] ...after five pm. [Hangs up the phone] Har! Atheist God indeed! I could have a more intellectual conversation with Stacy's orange cat.

[We travel now to the Pube Cave, where Our Hero, the Mighty Red-Iguana-Suited Publius stands back- to-face with the Vile Atheist God, Knowledgius Objectivus.]

Knowledgius: Publius, what are you doing?!?

Ferret Boy: [Hanging up phone] Something sinister, Mister "I can think for myself"! You'll get yours! [Turning to Publius, who is busy at the controls of the massive Mozumderizer] I'm sorry I grabbed the phone like that, but you didn't seem to be getting the point across. What are you planning to do?

[Publius gestures to a sheaf of paper filling a printer bin near the giant Mozumderizer.]

|>   Titled:"Morality and Homosexuality:, it touches on more
|>   than sexual perversion and promiscuity.

Knowledgius: [Edging toward the doorway] Don't mind me, I am just going to get a glass of water...

Ferret Boy: Don't even try to go anywhere, Vile Atheist Scum! Publius is just about to give you a serious dose of medicine, aren't you, Great and Mightly Lizard of All That Is Life-Oriented Religion?

|>   Athough it talks
|>   in terms of 'attitudes' and 'inclination' it gets to the       
|>   point:"Finally, they all rest on a dictrine of the autonymous
|>   self. We believe it is a false doctrine that leads neither
|>   to individual flourishing nor to social well-being".

Ferret Boy: Huh?

Knowledgius: He's flipped.

[Publius presses some buttons and a panel slides open on the Mozumderizer. Hefting the printer bin, Publius dumps the "Morality and Homosexuality" report into the giant device, which begins to whir and pulse in many unlikely ways. Publius steps back and turns to confront his Arch-Enemy!]

|>   Publius has identified the Fountain-head of this doctrine:
|>   The Atheist Religion. Soon it will be common knowledge.
|>   PUBLIUS

[In front of the Mozumderizer a figure begins to form. Even before it's form is fully visible, it's voice is heard by all in the Pube Cave. Knowledgius recognizes the voice... a voice from his past!]

Knowledgius: No! Not him! I-i-it can't be!

Forming Figure: Paul says "You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right!" I see you now, I see the Evil of your Merchandising! Your Science and your Witchcraft and your other Folk Religions will be swept away by the coming tide of Righteousness! I would cast my own father into Hell for all eternity, as I will you, Knowledgius... or should I call you Ishtar, the Queen of Heaven!

[Meanwhile, on the island of Logis, in the Communication Center of the Atheist Base of Operations, the phone rings.]

Dan: Ye-low. Skeptic Hotline.

Panic-stricken caller: My son says that the face on Mars is predicting the collapse of civilization as we know it when a comet hits Jupiter to bring us a message from God! Is this true?

Dan: Aah, who knows? [Hangs up phone] What a buncha loonies.

[Will Publius's Plan work? Will Atheism and it's Evil Counterpart, Autonomous Man be eliminated forever? Who is this new mysterious stranger who knows so much about Knowledgius? Perhaps these questions will be replaced by other in the next episode!]

-- 
-- _Stacy Prowell_______sprowell@utkcs.utk.edu_
  |                                            |
  | The mysterious UNIX paradigm:              |
  |                                            |
  |   "No design is better than a bad design." |
  |                             - Ken Thompson |
  |____________________________________________|

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