Storming the Pearly Gates

Chapter 3:  All you need is Doves

From: johnsd2@jec316.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Chapter 3
Date: 5 Mar 1994 03:08:31 GMT

I got my info, and here's the next Chapter of the story. I think those who have been arguing with Chris Ogden will like it. Chapter 4 should be out soon, perhaps tonight, unless I wind up merging it with some other chapter. We'll see.

Anyway, without further ado, here's Chapter 3.


Chapter 3: All you need is Doves

[Fade in to what looks like a residential area. Ray Ingles is walking alone, looking for something. He hails a passing archangel]

Ray Ingles:  "Hail, Passing Archangel! You know any good places to get birdseed?"

Passing Archangel:  "You might ask some birds for it."

Ray Ingles:  "No, I want to feed some birds!"

Passing Archangel:  "I doubt they are hungry. Perhaps you should try some light conversation?"

Ray Ingles:  "Um.. ok. I'll try it."

[Ray wanders off in search of birds. Fade out, then fade into the Main Force, still on the road, or rather beside it. They are eating lunch]

Geoff Arnold:  [Eating a balony and spam sandwich] "Mmmghth.." <chew> "Dan, what are you doing."

Dan Johnson:  "Cooking" [takes out some chicken] "my dear ole' mothers secret recipe!"

[He throws the chicken into the air, then whips out his flamethrower, aims and... nothing happens. The chicken lands on the pavement with a pathetic splat.]

"or perhaps not. I just gotta get that fixed."

Trevor Hicks:  "Oh well, you can have some of my lunch."

Dan Johnson:  "What is it?"

Trevor Hicks:  [produces a smallish refrigerator] "Ice cream! I got vanilla and Rainforest Crunch. What will you have?"

Rick Duffy:  "Hey! That's what I brought, too!" [pulls out a really small fridge]

Jeffery Cook:  "Me too!"

James Rice:  "Yeah, that what I have." [pulls out a canister, opens it] "Er.. that's what I had. Why didn't you tell me you had a fridge?"

[mathew grins at all this, then produces a thermos]

James Rice:  "Whazzat?"

mathew:  "Coffee."

James Rice:  "Can I have some?"

[mathew gives that the ice glare it deserves. Cut back to the residential area, where Ray has finally founds some birds. We see Ray sitting on the ground near a statue of Saint Ardala, patron saint of Lithe Space Vixens.]

Ray Ingles:  "So, then the goose gets up and just drops into the lake!"

[The birds titter]

"But seriously, I need to find some doves, can you tell me where they hang out?"

[The birds titter some more]

"No, no, I'm serious this time. I really have to find some doves."

[The birds titter at every full stop.]

"I don't see what's so funny."

[The birds titter again, but then stop abruptly, and fly off.]

"Uh.. guys.. didn't mean it... uh..."

[a big furry orange cat walks past Ray, and around behind him.]

"Oh. C'mon, he wasn't gonna hurt you! Come back!"

[They don't, and Ray, now less hopefull turns to leave. And then stops and stares.]

Ray Ingles:  [nervously] "Uh... cat.. didn't you used to be less than 8 feet tall?"

[The camera pans around and we see the cat, now about 8 feet tall, lieing on the ground. She ignores Ray.]

"Uh... hello. What's your name? How'd you get so big."

[The cat does nothing]

"Hmm.. no talking? Just like to chase birds? Heh."

[He turns to leave, since he's obviously not getting through to the cat, but he is brought up short when he notices a sign suspended on chains that run endlessly into the sky, right in front of him. It reads:] 
            I'm Orithyia. Who are you today?
"That was cute. I'm fine, how are you."

[Suddenly a large cabbage drops onto Ray's head, and then balances precariously there. Ray picks it off his head, and then notices it has words carved into it:] 
            Not how, who.
[He tosses it aside.]

"Oh. I'm Ray Ingles, please to meet you."

[Ray steps back, then notices something rubbing against his leg. It's the cat normal sized again.]

"Now cut that out! What is your game anyway?"

[Orithyia yawns, then starts cleaning her claws.]

"Oh well, perhaps you can help me. I need to find a dove. Do you know where they live?"

[Nothing happens.]

"Well? Come on, I deserve some answer!"

[Orithyia lies down. A youth in a uniform runs out of an alleyway nearby.]

Youth:  "Telegram! Telegram for Mr. Ingles!"

Ray Ingles:  "Yo!"

Youth:  "Here you go." [hands it over, then leaves.]

[Ray opens it and reads it.] 
      WHY WOULD I WANT TO SHOW YOU DOVES STOP THIS
      IS MORE FUN STOP YOU ARE THE BEST IDEA I HAVE HAD
      IN A LONG TIME STOP I DONT WANT YOU TO GO AWAY YET
      STOP OH YES PRRRRRRR STOP I SUPPOSE THAT WAS
      MANDATORY STOP

                                     ORITHYIA
"Oh, come off it. I'm not here to amuse you!"

[A frisbee with the words 'Are too!' enscribed on it flings out of nowhere much and then back into nowhere much.]

"And I'm not your idea!"

[A loudspeaker pops out of a tree nearby]

Loudspeaker:  "Attention! Attention, all personnel! If Ray wasn't Orithyia's idea, she wouldn't be HAVING him, would she? Someone else would, if there is a someone else. Which she doesn't believe for a moment, of course."

Ray Ingles:  "Oh... a solipsist, eh? One of those hypocritical, irresponsible, bone headed MORONS who thinks nothing exists outside of themselves!"

[Pause]

"Hey! I'm talking to YOU, pussy!"

[A sign springs out of the ground on a pole, reading:] 
            Oh yes, I know. Don't stop, I love it. Such verve.
"Think you can play games with me, yeah? Well take THIS"

[Ray picks up a large rock and hurls it directly at Orithyia. It passes right through her, and bounces off the ground.]

"Gah.. er... well, that's a neat trick! But I am real, so if anyone is a figment, it's you! Yeah!"

[Orithyia turns and looks at Ray with one of those looks that says "No, no, I'm real, you're the figment, and deep down, you always knew it, didn't you?"]

"Don't give me a dirty look! And I did NOT know it!"

[A small fish jumps out of a pond that wasn't there a minute ago, and squawks "She thinks you do!";  it then lands in Orithyia's mouth, and becomes cat food.]

"Hmmm... well, you know, it would explain the way the rock went through you, and all these weird signs. And of course, it would explain why I'm suddenly believing that I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't see any other way to explain all this. I suppose you must be right."

"What a bummer."

[He plops down and starts scratching behind Orithyia's ear, which she studiously ignores.]

[A chalkboard suddenly appears on a nearby building, reading "I'm losing interest."]

Ray Ingles:  "Uh-oh!"

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